Recent writings...

...from my mind to enjoy below:

Curtains Drawn

I shut the car door and lock it through the key fob.  Head down, I walk up towards the house and clamber in.  I lock the deadlock quick.  First I pull the blinds down in the kitchen.  Then I close the curtains in the living room.  Upstairs, I close the curtains in the main bedroom and check the rest of the house for any other light source getting in.  When I am satisfied, I re-heat the meal I have already prepared, sit down and eat…it doesn’t take me long.  I have a shit, prepare my work clothes for tomorrow and grab my headphones.  After one final check of the doors and the locks, I run upstairs and stick a cd into the disc player.  Connecting the headphones and cranking up the volume, I press play and am still.

                I am safe

                I am at peace.

                I am now in my own world…away from the piss and the shit and the scum outside.

 I shut the car door and lock it through the key fob.  Head down, I walk up towards the house and clamber in.  I lock the deadlock quick.  First I pull the blinds down in the kitchen.  Then I close the curtains in the living room.  Upstairs, I close the curtains in the main bedroom and check the rest of the house for any other light source getting in.  When I am satisfied, I re-heat the meal I have already prepared, sit down and eat…it doesn’t take me long.  I have a shit, prepare my work clothes for tomorrow and grab my headphones.  After one final check of the doors and the locks, I run upstairs and stick a cd into the disc player.  Connecting the headphones and cranking up the volume, I press play and am still.

                I am safe.

                                   I am at peace.
                I am now in my own world…away from the piss and the shit and the scum outside.

 I shut the car door and lock it through the key fob.  Head down, I walk up towards the house and clamber in.  I lock the deadlock quick.  First I pull the blinds down in the kitchen.  Then I close the curtains in the living room.  Upstairs, I close the curtains in the main bedroom and check the rest of the house for any other light source getting in.  When I am satisfied, I re-heat the meal I have already prepared, sit down and eat…it doesn’t take me long.  I have a shit, prepare my work clothes for tomorrow and grab my headphones.  After one final check of the doors and the locks, I run upstairs and stick a cd into the disc player.  Connecting the headphones and cranking up the volume, I press play and am still.

                I am safe.

                                                              I am at peace.
                I am now in my own world…away from the piss and the shit and the scum outside.

I shut the car door and lock it through the key fob.  Head down, I walk up towards the house and clamber in.  I lock the deadlock quick.  First I pull the blinds down in the kitchen.  Then I close the curtains in the living room.  Upstairs, I close the curtains in the main bedroom and check the rest of the house for any other light source getting in.  When I am satisfied, I re-heat the meal I have already prepared, sit down and eat…it doesn’t take me long.  I have a shit, prepare my work clothes for tomorrow and grab my headphones.  After one final check of the doors and the locks, I run upstairs and stick a cd into the disc player.  Connecting the headphones and cranking up the volume, I press play and am still.

                I am safe.

                                                                                                                       I am at peace.
                I am now in my own world…away from the piss and the shit and the scum outside.

Tears

 

Bring me sunshine, bring me tears,

bring me a burning light, bring me fears.

So few answer, so many questions,

now a lack of colour, scratching blackens.

 

Shed tears of anger, and of hate,

brought on by an act of check and then mate.

A mess of words confused with meaning,

a legacy left behind full of seething.

 

Dried up wrists lay loose upon a stained bed,

a gleaming white carpet now soaked blood-red.

Lifeless eyes stare into a separate realm,

a locked grin frozen; the point of overwhelm.

 

Deep down, they now know he is free,

his release unlocked by the suicide key.

Despite the sorrow he leaves behind,

this was his act to himself of kind.

 

Its been a while...

...so lets get to some samples of writing I am currently working on.

First a sample from my new book: 'This Hell, its heat is closing in on me'

This heat; its hell closing in on me.  The sweat rolling down my arms sting the open wounds and scars, both fresh and new.  My mouth is completely dry, my lips cracked and sore and my eyes wide with sadness and a lost realisation.

                I have been beaten.  My body is battered and my mind split open in a state of utter despair.  This figure, this nemesis; this villain to my hero stands over me with a dark depth, foreboding and menacing, his body a shadow outlined with a charcoal blackness.  He moves closer and closer to the corner he has backed me into and for the first time, I begin to see details of his face.  The skin is tight and gaunt, thin enough to see the veins underneath and clear enough to see the whiteness of sharp bone.  Through the crooked smile, I see missing teeth and bleeding gums surrounded by butchered lips; blistered and weeping.  A twisted, broken nose blocked with clots of black mucus sits in the middle of slashed cheeks which open and close with every facial movement; a sight which causes me to balk heavily.  And then, my gaze finds wide staring eyes locked onto my own and I am forced to look away immediately.

                I think back to everything this figure has done to me and remember the pain and marks he has left; emotional and mental torture, bruises and black eyes and scratches and slices, and now, he stands over me with a gun pointed at my head and salivating at this inevitable outcome.  And so, as I feel the cold barrel press against my temple, my final thoughts awash over my entire body.  I have suffered and struggled against all this torture with a quiet façade and an unbreakable mask.  I have managed to hide and explain away the various markings that adorn my weakened frame and distracted attitude.  I have completely fooled those closest to me with a collection of fantastical tales and wonderful reasons.  In short, my mental and physical state has been easily clouded with an excuse of stress and insomnia; a lie that everyone around me has managed to believe.  Except for one person.  That one person who knows the truth.

                I hear the gun load the bullet with a loud click and make one last decision.  If this is to truly be the end, then I would face it head on.  I slowly return my gaze to this figure eyes and lock onto them with intent.  It is then that I notice something…something not quite right.  His eyes are wide, not with hate or pain, but with a sadness and lost realisation and before I can say anything; I hear a loud snap, see only darkness and feel hell surround me.

 

Next, a poem from another project: 'Words, Oh Sweet Words'

 

Paralyze me with your words

 

Paralyze me with your words,

make my mind go completely numb

and shock my body into a frozen state.

 

Paralyze me with your words,

hurt my feelings with past desires

and shatter me with your cold touch.

 

Paralyze me with your words,

line up verses with a haunted delusion

and twist the poisoned knife deeper in.

 

Paralyze me with your words,

burn away my tainted flesh

and embrace the screeching of my pain.

 

Paralyze me with your words,

as I weep for release from this truth

and pray for a swift death.

 

And finally, an erotic poem called : 'In The Dark'

 

In The Dark

Outside, somewhere, the deep dark thunder sways and rumbles,

it's brilliant lightning revealing a glimpse of the zeal inside,

two souls locked in heat and oblivious to mother natures passion

both a soundtrack and a voyeur to our lovers own erotic steam.

Wet bodies glisten and peel in the black; awash with sex,

she - always the one to control, guides him backwards,

swallows his manhood, consumes his beating heart...in time,

in time to the pounding rain, in time to the storm corrosion.

With the hint of shadows flashing and gorging; merging shapes,

roles are reversed and it is he who now spreads her open,

with real meaning and love, he tastes her innermost purity,

a wicked wind - out, contradicting the peaceful connection - within.

Then the anger and violence beyond howls and erupts with rage,

it's voice ignored as desire surrounds and encapsulates our lovers,

trapping them in a smothering motion of deep and eternal carnal lust,

as she takes him in, completely, utterly - their sensual waver.

Bodies are explored, positions are exchanged, emotions are satisfied,

the fading grumbling clouds, now drowned out by a mutual climax,

skulk away leaving behind one last dying flash of brilliant white,

a gorgeous snapshot of pure love and pure sex - in the dark.

 

 

 

 

My week off so far...

....has consisted of:

Reading, reading...

...reading!  I love reading - there just isn't enough time in life to read as much as I would like.  However, I have committed myself to read 1 book per month...and so far, I have kept up with this.  So, January through to April, I have read 4 very different books:

Frankenstein
American Psycho
Fuck It Therapy
World War Z

What did I think of each?  Read on:

FRANKENSTEIN
We all have a basic idea of the story - scientist creates a monster which then turns against him because said scientist rejects said monster.  Cue a story about revenge and murder with a dash of gothic-ness thrown into the mix.  Of course, Frankenstein is much more than this and is in turn a warning about "playing God" as well as a study in what makes us human and the importance of the soul in humanity.  The story takes us all over the globe and plays with the readers loyalties forcing us to sympathise with both monster and scientist at different stages and on several occasions throughout.  Both Frankenstein, Frankensteins monster and the cast of supporting players are all on an inevitable collision course from page 1, both truly tragic and wholly expected as creator and creation lock themselves in a battle of wits and torment.  A true classic way ahead of its time, Frankenstein is as much about parents bringing up their children with love rather than rejection as it is about meddling with science without truly understanding it.  7 out of 10.

AMERICAN PSYCHO
We've all seen the film (or should have...shame on you if you haven't!!).  A fairly disturbing look at one mans obsession with murder, status and own good looks.  Part black comedy - part horror, it brings out an amazing performance by a never better Christian Bale and leaves you with more questions than answers upon its exit.  I love the film and it sticks as close as it can to the book.  I say this because if there were to be a 100% faithful adaption of the book, it would be unwatchable!  Not because of the story...not because it wouldn't make sense...not because the book is un-filmable...no...simply because no human on Earth could sit through it without throwing up every 10 minutes!  This is a story about Patrick Bateman, Wall Street employee, intelligent, very good looking, likes drugs, likes women, likes murder, likes dismemberment, likes torture, likes fine dining, like business cards.  I don't really want to give to much away about American Psycho because it is a book that needs to be experienced with fresh innocent eyes.  Never has a book left horrific images in my mind as much as this has.  Never has a book affected my moods as much as this has.  Never has a book made me face the true terrors of what is out there as much as this has.  It is a stunning piece of work which WILL make you laugh as much as it WILL make you sympathise with the world Bateman lives in.  I guarantee though that this WILL live with you till you die.  Especially when it comes to the section with the rat...you have been warned!  9 out of 10.

FUCK IT THERAPY
Self help books.  Never really been into them but this caught my eye because I am one of those people that finds it very hard to switch off from work.  I am one of those people who deeply cares (not that I like to admit it) about what I do even though what I do isn't in the slightest bit important in the grand scheme of things.  Basically this book advises you to say "FUCK IT" to certain aspects of your life.  It does this by first making you see what type of prison you are in and how much importance you put onto very un-important things.  It then asks the reader what he or she really wants and how they go about getting it.  It also has some energy exercises and relaxation methods with are there to help us focus and build strength on our road to happiness blah, blah, blah.  Er, I am not sure about this book.  I enjoyed aspects of it and related to parts of it.  But, I am one of those people who see the strings above my head already.  See the strings above the heads of my superiors and their superiors and so on and so on.  I have a very unique attitude to the world around me and can see the various prisons which have a vice like grip on humanity due to the nature of how we live and how we survive.  One thing is does do well though is teach you that just by saying "FUCK IT" makes you feel better.  5 out of 10.  

WORLD WAR Z
For months, I put off buying this book despite it being on offer constantly...then I saw the trailer for the film and thought, enough is enough - get it now!  And boy am I glad I did.  Basically a collection of eye witness accounts and interviews with the survivors of the 10 year Zombie war fought all over the world.  It charts the initial outbreaks to the complete overrun of entire cites and countries then onto humanities close proximity to extinction before the final sections fightback and mans unity.  Told by various people of various nationalities with various opinions and experiences, World War Z flows perfectly and never gets lost or confusing throughout.  The eye witness accounts are at times heart breaking and horrific, to joyous and sometimes even funny with each character having his or her very distinctive voice and uniqueness; I loved reading each ones little story.  And then we come to the Zombies.  Very much the slow, lumbering Romero type which can only be killed by destroying the brain, they are a relentless army, both existing in the realms of fantasy and reality at the same time.  Believe it or not though, they also bring with them some originality.  Zombies have, literally, been done to death on film, television and in books.  And yes, these Zombies are familiar...but...they also freeze in the winter then are reanimated in spring.  They don't drown so stalk the ocean floor until destroyed.  Their tastes are not limited to human flesh either - animals are definitely not safe in World War Z's world.  And what a world this is...our world...overrun with Zombies...a must read full of parables and frightening predictions.  8 out of 10.  

 

 

   So, what's next?  A Clockwork Orange!!!

Live music...

...is a massive part of my life.  So far, I must have seen well over 100 bands live since 1996 when I went to my first live gig, Marilyn Manson.  I still remember it well - touring the 'Antichrist Superstar' album and absolutely killing it (in a good way), even after half way through someone threw an empty plastic water bottle which clocked him square in the face, Manson owned that stage, smashing stuff over his chest and telling the audience to spit on him.  From then on, my eyes were open and my desire and passion for going to the live gig exploded!!  Type O Negative, Roger Waters, Fear Factory, Iron Maiden, Faith No More, Devin Townsend, Public Enemy, Faithless, Alice Cooper, Bob Dylan, Stevie Wonder, Rammstein - B...fucking...Witched - I have seen a wide range of bands/artist live and have loved every single one of them (apart from The The which I walked out of).  This year I have Peter Gabriel, Steve Hackett, Fish, Eric Clapton, Status Quo and Joe Satriani to look forward to and no doubt many more (I am hoping Black Sabbath and David Bowie announce tours). 

So, Friday just gone (8th March), was my first - The Crazy World Of Arthur Brown.  My first memory of Arthur Brown was seeing the video for 'Fire' on the music show Dave Lee Travis used to do (a good few years ago now - hahahaha!) and it etched itself into my brain forever...but, I never really became a fan.  When I noticed he was touring though, I instantly wanted to see him live - I mean really, who wouldn't??  70 years old, playing a tour billed as "a celebration of Fire", in a venue I have never ever been to (The Ruby Lounge in Manchester) and costing £15 a ticket - my curiosity and love of music guided my hand to click 'buy ticket'...and besides, the man is a LEGEND!!  With a fellow fan as my companion (one of my work friends/bosses) and stood in the venue - a sort of club/bar type setup - we really did not know what to expect...what we did not expect though was that this gig was to be one of the best we have ever been to!!  Trojan Horse, Moulettes, The Crazy World Of Arthur Brown - this was the bill.  Never heard of the 2 support acts and only owning the 1 Arthur Brown album...this was going to be interesting!

Trojan Horse came on the stage - guitar, bass, drums, keyboard - and exploded!!  A cross between Opeth, Frank Zappa and early Pink Floyd (especially on keyboards), they only played about 4 songs - simply because the songs they played must have lasted 8-10 minutes each.  Heavy, unexpected, mellow...damn good...the night had gotten off to a good start!!
Even before Moulettes had taken the stage, my curiosity was sky high as I watched a cello, bassoon and a double bass appear - I actually thought this was Arthur Browns equipment being set up!  Moulettes came on stage - 2 male, 2 female - quietly introduced themselves and started.  Something happened, my jaw literally dropped!!  From the very first note that came from that cello - I was hooked.  The music was impeccable (folk, prog, alt), the harmonies coming from the 2 girls were heavenly and the songs were brilliant and unique...I literally couldn't believe what I was seeing/hearing!!  As soon as they finished and announced they would be selling their albums off stage - I bought both of them.
So, I found myself asking...myself, what is Arthur Brown going to be like?  70 years old and having to follow 2 brilliant support acts!!  I was slightly worried.........but I shouldn't have been!!  Covered in make-up, he took to the stage and owned it!!  With several garments coming off throughout the show and several groovy dances and moves, Arthur Brown sang, looked and moved like a man possessed.  In short, he was brilliant!  Amazing songs, amazing band (especially the keyboardist), funny banter with the crowd and an intimacy sometimes lost at a live gig; it was stunning.  The crowd (myself included) clapped hard, screamed loud and loved every minute of it.  Artists like Arthur Brown have been going this long for a reason...because they are LEGENDS...and on Friday the 8th March, he proved it.  I was privileged to see 2 of the best support acts EVER (I am now an official Moulettes fan) and then see an absolute living legend.  It was, and will remain, a gig I will never forget and out of all the live bands/artists I have seen live, it is quite possibly the BEST...a bold statement I know...but...maybe...just maybe...very true! 

Latest project...

...is coming along nicely.

So, this is going to be my next book, 'Life and Death' which is a collection of poetry on both subjects with a story sandwiched in the middle about my life and its possible future.  The story is written in a sort of Homer's Iliad/Dante's Inferno style and will be spread over several pages and written sometimes in poetry form and sometimes in narrative form.  The Life and Death poetry sections are complete and I reckon I am about 75% the way through the 'my story' section.  I was flipping between projects but have now decided to concentrate on this one.  Below, is a section of the 'my story' bit for you to enjoy:

OF LITTLE COMFORT

 And it was now that my body was to suffer.

It was now that what was once in the background now wasn’t.

Now that “the drink” took control of my life.

 

At first, it sympathised and counselled.

Listened and supported.

Nodded and understood.

 

It gave me strength and courage.

Showed me a good time in small doses.

Led me to a weekend of social joy.

 

Happy, smiling, fun.

Good memories in good places.

A period of wonderment and knowledge.

 

Life was renewed.

Time and money had no teeth.

My mind was free and open.

 

Then “spirits” began to playfully haunt me.

The stronger, the purer; the better.

Taking me to another level of experience.

 

Warnings of “never mix” were ignored.

Leading to the odd issue.

Leading to the odd embarrassment.

 

But even these “spirits” could be controlled (somewhat).

Their devilish ways an extension of happy, smiling fun.

Their impish actions shared and laughed about collectively.

 

Soon though, a slight addiction developed.

A want to consume these “spirits” more and more.

A desire to feel their affects over longer periods.

 

And indulge in an excessive intake.

So excessive it bred violence and memory loss.

Guilt and pain.  Fear and inspiration.

 

For all its faults and trappings.

A period of substance was born.

Art, film, poetry; all were touched upon.

 

But with it, it brought back those dark feelings.

Back once more - stronger, more destructive.

Of loneliness.  Of helplessness.  Of uselessness.

 

And of little comfort I fell into.

Unable to stop and wanting to take it further.

Creativity became more important than health.

 

And so, I came upon a shop on a corner.

Peering through the glass, something catches my bloodshot eyes.

A girl…no…a fairy, a green fairy.

 

ABSINTHE


Twinkle twinkle.

A shine of deep.

A glisten of desire.

 

Pure liquid of possibility.

Twisting reflections.

Breaking arms.

 

This green fairy.

Shimmers and swims.

Burning inside glass.

 

To free her and inhale her.

An odour of pain and release.

Sweet and playful.

 

Pouring that first deadly shot.

Its deathly silent and still.

Enticing and exciting.

 

Then feeling it blaze and eat away.

It takes your breath away.

Leaves you gasping for free air.

 

Churning your insides out.

Getting into your very veins.

Feeding your alcoholics desire.

 

Warnings are meant to be ignored.

Limits are meant to be tested.

Imagination is meant to be un-caged.

 

Eyes are meant to be wide.

Fingers are meant to be busy.

Memory is meant to be lost.

 

Surroundings are meant to be destroyed.

Views are meant to be questioned.

Time is meant to be conquered.

 

Feelings are meant to be explored.

Colours are meant to be heard.

Music is meant to be touched.

 

Fears are meant to be submerged.

Changes are meant to be welcomed.

Blood is meant to be spilled.

 

And so pains are meant to be black.

And so emotions are meant to be frozen.

And so despair is meant to be long.

 

For what is gained in art and poetry.

Is lost in health and sanity.

And poured out in love or suicide.

January done...

...already!! How quick has this month gone?!?!?!? My New Years resolution to write very day has been kept so far with several projects getting a look in over the month. I have even started a new project, my 'superhero' project which is well under way. I am just laying down the ground work before getting to the good stuff of being a superhero - although my story will focus on the perils and disadvantages of having super powers and will be a very realistic look at the effects this will have on an individual. My book, 'Love or Suicide and the Life Inbetween' (more samples below) is still selling well and the feedback I am getting is very positive.

Away from writing, I managed to see Lincoln. A masterclass in acting from all involved and a very interesting film despite it being very talky. Work is work - it pays the bills. My first concert isn't until March and it will be the mighty Crazy World Of Arthur Brown...how cool will that be?!?!?!?!

Music wise, I am getting more into the Death Metal scene more than I have done in the past - especially Cannibal Corpse. I still listen to an obscene amount of Devin Townsend (well, he is a genius) and Lana Del Rey. Been playing Doom 3 on the PS3 (see below) and have been having the crap scared out of me a fair few times now. I have to counter balance it by also playing Lego Lord of the Rings and F1 2012!!!

Finished reading Frankenstein which is excellent - my sympathy for both creator and monster kept switching! Continued my travels with Dante in The Divine Comedy for a few weeks and am now deciding wether to start American Psycho or World Without A Superman...choices, choices, choices!!!

Think that's about it really. Back to it!!!

Future projects...

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It's 2013...

...so Happy New Year to everyone!!!

So, that was 2012 - good year...bad year...strange year!!!! I think one of the best things about 2012 was that I finally managed to get my book self published. Not only that, it has sold fairly well and fairly consistently also meaning that my first royalty cheque (with a little extra contribution from myself) was donated to The Samaritans for a total of £100 just before Christmas. 2012 also gave me some amazing concerts - Bruce Springsteen, Muse, Devin Townsend (supported by Fear Factory) and Motörhead (supported by Anthrax). It also gave me an amazing album in the form of Devin Townsend's sublime, gorgeous, stunning, life lifting masterpiece 'Epicloud'!!!

The Dark Knight Rises blew me away (and I still believe Batman DOES die at the end), The Hobbit took me back to Middle Earth (not sure about the Benny Hill frame rate though), Skyfall produced one of the creepiest Bond villains ever, The Expendables was an absolute joy to behold and Ted was a dream come true for Flash Gordon fans (just like me). Fringe disappeared up its own ass, The Mentalist continues to be very watchable and The Walking Dead impressed even more than it has.

Work showed me its true colours at times and made me realise that everyone can be replaced, everyone is expendable and money really is the only reason we do it. Home life is something I still cherish and feel very lucky about and the relationship I have with my girlfriend continues to grow in strength and love. I have lost close to 3 stone over the course of the year thanks to the gym, calorie counting and some healthy eating...in all honesty I really cannot complain - there are people out there far worse off than I will ever know.

So, 2013 - what will you bring?!?!?!?
More writing - want to get my next project published.
New job - definitely something I am already looking into.
Charity work - I want to do more charity work...be that donating or volunteering.
Healthier - now 13 stone 5 pounds...I want to get to 12 stone and tone up.
Friends - want to see my close friends more often.
Inner peace - I get very angry inside...I want to be more at peace with myself and my surroundings.
Enjoy - and finally, I want to enjoy 2013.

I wish all my followers a Happy New Year and hope 2013 is a good one!!!