A mighty fine time was had...

...at last nights Fear Factory gig at The Ritz in Manchester!!! Despite having to go on my own (and sell the spare ticket I had for £2!!!), it didn't take long for me to get right at the front and mix with the crowd.

With two damn fine support acts in Dead Label and Once Human, Fear Factory celebrated the 20th anniversary of their milestone classic album Demanufacture by playing the entire album in full before belting out a couple of tracks from the Obsolete album, three new tracks from new album Genexus and an early track from their first album. And oh my holy shit, was it good?!?!?!?! Most of Demanufacture has never really been played live so to hear the entire album was truly something special with it sounding pitch perfect and having this very tangible air of importance and uniqueness. The two tracks from Obsolete, Shock and Edgecrusher, are instant live classics and the three new tracks sounded amazing. Finishing with Martyr from their first album, and also a celebration of 25 years of the band, meant the night ended perfectly. Energy, power, love and respect was shared between band and audience and despite this being the seventh time I have seen them live, they still managed to blow me away and had me bouncing with the crowd like a mad man...although, my ears and body are suffering for it today!!

Not only that but I managed to pick up an official t-shirt with a 20 years of Demanufacture print on for £20 (believe me, that's a good price) and I managed to grab a guitar pick thrown into the crowd by guitarist Dino!! A special mention must go to support act Once Human who sound like a cross between Cradle Of Filth and Arch Enemy and have one crazy hot vocalist in Lauren Hart who can belt out a tune with her powerful vocals - both growly and clean style...will defo be getting their debut album very soon!!

I will be hopefully be writing a full review for Roobla very soon as well so please watch out for that!!

So, today is being spent listening to a lot of Fear Factory, sorting out all the connections to our new Fibre Broadband installation and writing. No work, no gym, nothing too energetic!! I am plodding on with my current writing book project but do have a few ideas about future projects and will be sorting out a plan for next year going forward so I make the most of time and effort. I have been volunteering for Martin Mere doing every other Sunday with three Sundays already under my belt. Its hard work (physical) compared to my full time job and I am completely knackered on the Monday after...but it is completely worth it and rewarding. Christmas is a matter of weeks away now so this will probably be my last blog post of the year but expect a new 2016 post not long after the New Year!!!

Something old, something new...

...for this months new blog post. No filler, no personal stuff (well the writing is very personal I suppose), just pure poetry. First up, a new naughty poem - a bit arty farty perhaps but still I like it:

The Binding Of Us

All the earth spins around our silence,

the strains of its rustic ways go on

as we take in our naked fragile souls,

a distance apart with a desire to be one,

our need to engage and lock together

in more than just sex and heat.

Our shape and contours glide through heavy air

striking a couple of shadows already lost in passion,

their giggles like sweet nothings in another time

waiting for our own connection to begin…

…and I step forward

and she follows,

and I raise my palms

and she follows,

and I interlock my fingers

and she follows,

and she closes her hands over mine

and I follow.

The flame now trapped in between our palms

raised high above our heads to look upon us,

witness our bodies touch with slight destruction,

see our lips brush with dangerous softness,

hear our hearts implode with infinite excitement,

this wondrous moment a rapture of pure love…and unity.

And then we erupt

breathing each other in,

swimming with senses,

tingling with emotions,

freeing the fire

and caging our spark…

…her nipples sting my chest and pierce my ribs,

I feel the gorgeous wetness as I enter her desire

and drift underneath her control and wanton pleasure.

Pinning me down she takes me in,

lost in her own body she sways

as I watch in awe this beauty sing,

her sonnet purrs deep and low,

our duet locked and conducted

as instinct burns hard and fast…

…and I raise up,

hold her in my arms

and weep with lust.

(and then)

Spreading herself before me,

she beckons me over her,

our eyes merging into glass

and we see ourselves for the very first time,

we beings now just being

as I thrust and disappear and feel…everything.

We are no longer here,

we are away with each other’s joy,

exploring, twisting, switching,

tasting, gorging, eating,

sensations beyond time and starlight,

we shine forever on as our patterns call out

and from within ourselves we join,

our pure peace flowing from one another,

this “us” finally understands,

this “us” finally gets it,

this “us” finally binds,

this “us” finally lives.  

Secondly, an old poem from my part way finished project about words:

 

Paralyze me with your words

Paralyze me with your words,

make my mind go completely numb

and shock my body into a frozen state.

Paralyze me with your words,

hurt my feelings with past desires

and shatter me with your cold touch.

Paralyze me with your words,

line up verses with a haunted delusion

and twist the poisoned knife deeper in.

Paralyze me with your words,

burn away my tainted flesh

and embrace the screeching of my pain.

Paralyze me with your words,

as I weep for release from this truth

and pray for a swift death.

And unto Silence we came...

...is the title of the chapter of my latest book I have just completed.

Yes, my new actual novel is coming along nicely, slowly, but nicely. My characters are developing and taking on lives of their own branching out into something I never intended at the start. For example, my Detective has a guilt which manifests itself into a presence that he communicates with as if talking to another human being.  My "hero" is also developing into someone who uses technology (it is set around the year 2030) to escape the horrors and revenge he is inflicting. I based his escape world on the farmlands and surroundings of where we now live...good excuse to write outside and use what I see as words on the laptop screen. I am only on Chapter five but I am getting there. I am still writing reviews for Roobla - latest one was the new Iron Maiden album 'The Book Of Souls' which is an epic slab of music from the heavy metal legends. Currently in the process of writing some new naughty erotica as well so lots on the go.

I have also managed to reach my weight goal of the last few months of 13.7 stone after lots of hard work at the gym and watching what I eat. Believe it or not, I started this year at 16.7 stone so losing 3 stone in 10 months is a hell of an achievement and I do feel (and look) better for it. It does get harder and harder though and my actual ultimate goal of around 12 stone will be tough. The Walking Dead restarted last week and continues to be the absolute best thing on television although 4 episodes into the new season of Doctor Who has seen it grow in confidence and quality. An already brilliant year for music with top releases from Faith No More, Fear Factory, Cradle Of Filth and Muse has been made better by the new double album epicness that is the new Iron Maiden album...up the irons indeed!! Start Wars and indeed Christmas loom ever closer...exciting times.

Work is work...I go in, do what I have to do and then come home. I have no passion or commitment outside of the hours I am contracted to do. But, it pays the bills and I have to feel lucky that nearly 16 years of service means I know what I am doing and am left to do it. Tomorrow, I do have an interview at Martin Mere for some volunteer work so lets hope that goes well. Looking forward to a night of horror films on Halloween and having the neighbour and her kids round on Bonfire night and then it will be some serious Christmas shopping. Anyway, that's that for this month...I will leave you with some snippets from the new novel though...enjoy:

And unto silence we came…

The birds are singing, the sky is clear blue and the grass is deep green.  A gentle, almost shy breeze wisps through the air bending the tall sunflowers with a slight push; their bright yellow faces sway from side to side as if dancing in the night.  Insects dart about avoiding the spider’s webs that span in between the haggled and rotten fence posts, their buzzing adding chorus to the surroundings. The sun casts shadows across the freshly cut lawn highlighting the various dips and colours, so alive yet so dead.  A lone football sits in the garden.  White with black hexagon shapes dotted about its face, it demands to be kicked, wants to be saved, and craves to be played with.  But no one is there.  No one is anywhere.

                This garden and its converted barn house are away; away from other houses, away from other gardens and away from other people. In the distance there is nothing but trees and fields.  Potatoes grow to the right and carrots grow to the left, the leaves rising from the ground signify their readiness for picking, cooking and eating; if only this could be done?  If only that ball could be kicked?  If only that sunflower could be smelt?  If only that grass could be felt?  Silence sits perfectly still observing these surroundings, his eyes straining through tears and pain.  This perfect world he has created is the only thing that keeps him sane, the only thing that keeps him going.  It is his distraction from the real world, the one which demands so much of him, the one which eats away at his soul and burns his mind; destructive yet necessary. 

                Other people create families and friends.  Mainly building on those they have lost or those they remember before the change.  Some will re-create their old house and try and live out their old life.  Some have even been known to draw from their childhood memories and have mummy and daddy pamper them again.  Not Silence.  His childhood memories are full of shit and abuse.  Mummy was ill and Daddy was alcoholic for most of his childhood.  The rest were just a bunch of horrible lies and deceptions; something which came to the fore after Daddy ran off with another woman.  Silence did once re-create this life, even managing to have the glazed eyes of his Father glare at him.  The detail was incredible, right down to the hole in the door punched in an alcoholic rage by good old Daddy.  Silence then destroyed it.  With all his might, pain and anger, he completely raged through the programme and broke down the code with terror, fear and blind loss.  It didn’t help of course, he couldn’t actually feel his destruction or taste his victory; it was basically hitting the backspace or delete on a keyboard.  In fact, if anything it made him worse so he decided on creating his perfect place.

               

Exciting times...

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Why games are so important...

...to me.  After my last post about music and a certain album by Fear Factory and the importance of it, I thought I would write a post about games...in truth, I am writing this whilst listening to a game soundtrack.  

I have been a gamer for as long as I remember.  My first games computer was the mighty Toshiba MSX.  A legend of a computer which used tapes for games.  I still remember getting it on Christmas morning...my parents duped me into believing all the presents had been opened when they brought a bin bag into the living room feigning it to be rubbish but in fact it had the MSX inside.  It was an awesome computer with some incredible games: Feud, Ocean Conquerour, Breakout, Flash Gordon, BMX Simulator...the list goes on.  From then I had the Commodore 64, Sega Megadrive, SNES, PS1, PS2, PS3, X-Box 360 and PS4.  I also own a PSP and 3DS and there is a Wii in the house as well.  So yeah, a bit of a gamer...I start a game, finish it then go onto another one!

To me, they are just as important and influential as music or film.  In fact, I would say more so because of the interaction involved in playing AND experiencing a video game.  The level of gaming today is utterly incredible with graphics, music and story at such a high level it has been known to make grown men, and women, cry like babies.  When you think that something, which is essentially just bits of code, can draw you in to such an extent that actual human emotions and actions come into play, where physical and mental feelings become exposed and felt, where your own life and day to day business revolves around a game or the interactions with online gamers, where you become the hero or the villain and what you do affects an outcome...nothing else on Earth does that!!  

Shadow Of The Collosus, Final Fantasy VII, Heavy Rain, Silent Hill 2, Ico, The Walking Dead, Bioshock...all these games, and many more, have moments which will shock and hurt you, force you to make hard and fatal decisions, bring you to your knees mentally and physically, ask you to question your own life and actions and so on and so on...basically these games, just like a good film or book, will live with you forever.  The games industry is now bigger than the film industry (looking at you GTA 5) with money spent worldwide reaching unbelievable heights...and with good reason, the money spent really shows through with the quality of games released in this day and age (looking at you Alien Isolation).  

But is there a downside...is there a negative dirty branch to all this?  Can games make us do something in real life that is wrong, illegal or fatal?  In my opinion...no.  If you struggle in defining real life with fantasy, either by the games you play or the music you listen to or the films you watch, then there is already something wrong with you; the seed had already been planted and the desires were already there.  Of course, this is a discussion which could fill a lecture hall or a phone book sized exercise, my opinion is mine and mine alone.

Which brings me to this final paragraph.  Like I said at the beginning, I am writing this whilst listening to a game soundtrack...The Last Of Us.  If you want to play a game that confirms everything I have said then play The Last Of Us.  I played it on the PS3 and am now currently replaying the remastered version on the PS4.  It is the absolute pinnacle of gaming up to this point and demands to be experienced!!!  I defy anyone to play it and not cry, laugh or gasp at some point...for me, it is more than a game, it is a part of my life - high praise indeed!

There are moments...

...in life that define us.  Moments that remain fixed in our being until the day we die, moments that define what we are, what we like and what we want.  They can range from experiences, people we meet, jobs we have, heartaches and failures, successes and love, pets, films, books...the list goes on.  For me, there are many moments that define me.  Mostly made up of experiences and actions but there are also many to do with music.  My first ever gig was in 1996 and it was Marilyn Manson on the Antichrist Superstar tour and it opened the flood gates to the many other gigs I have seen since.  The greatest gig I have ever seen was Roger Waters playing The Wall at Manchester...a spectacle, musically and visually, which has yet to be beaten.  The first time I heard Queen's final album Made In Heaven, the moment I completely related to Nine Inch Nails masterpiece The Downward Spiral, the time I saw the music video for Killing Joke's Millenium which played over and over as I battled an all nighter trying to finish my Art coursework, the mind blowing experience that was Ozzfest and all that goes with a festival...all moments that I will happily take to the grave.  But there is one moment that completely re-defined what music is to me today...the moment I heard Fear Factory's Demanufacture.

Up until I heard that album, Heavy Metal was something I just wasn't into!  It was around, it was in the background, it was there...but always in the distance.  Then I heard the song Replica!!!  It blew my mind, it was heavy as shit but also melodic.  The music was brutal but also strangely beautiful.  How is this possible I thought...what is the trickery...is that keyboards I can hear????  Yes, Demanufactue is still the perfect example of using keyboards on an album full of heavy crushing guitars, pounding drums, throbbing bass lines and vocals that would rip you to pieces!!  Ah yes, the vocals...Burton C Bell could roar his way to hell and back then serenade you up to heaven...again, something which has rarely been pulled off (Devin Townsend equalling Burton's power).  Then there was the collision of metallic coldness and almost robotic goings on mixed in as well as amazing lyrics and artwork...this was a band at its absolute peak in every aspect!!!  From start to finish, it is an absolute masterpiece and still sounds as fresh and powerful as it reaches the grand old age of 20!  It is the one album that turned me into a fan of Heavy Metal and opened up my world of music for the better...and heavier!!

But why, you ask, am I barking on about this now?  Well, 2 days ago, 2 tickets were ordered and paid for to see the mighty Fear Factory in December (this will be the 7th time seeing them) where they will play the entire album in full...THE ENTIRE FUCKING ALBUM!!!!  So, 20 years ago, my life was changed because an album managed to re-define my entire taste in music...now, 20 years later, I get to experience that album played live in full by one of my all time favourite bands.  That is some special shit!!!

It's nearing the end...

...of June meaning we are now entering the run of good weather and the longest day. This has also meant lots of gardening and time outside...I spent hours last Saturday just sat in the middle of the garden reading a book. Being sad as I am, this has also meant lots of photos being taken:

I know, I know but sometimes I just can't help myself!! Other things going on...went to see The Producers at the Liverpool Empire which starred Ross Noble and Jason Mansford. It was excellent!!! Funny, great script, brilliant music and an enjoyable day out. Seen a couple of this years big films in Avengers Age Of Ultron and Mad Max Fury Road...Mad Max being the absolute kick ass mind blowing eye popping film I have been waiting for since Beyond Thunderdome!!! Exciting music news for this year sees new releases from Ghost, Fear Factory, Slayer, Cradle Of Filth and Iron Maiden. The new Faith No More album released last month is an absolute genius piece of music!!

I have finished the first draft of my script 'Berlin' (see previous blogs) and whilst I have stayed true to the Lou Reed album it is based on (for the first half anyway), the second half has seen me create a sort of vigilante character called Silent who I am now interested in having him star in my next book. Always wanted to write a vigilante/avenging angel/superhero type story and it now looks like I have found my character!!!

Anyway, down to business! Yes, I am here shamelessly plugging my first book 'Love or Suicide and the Life Inbetween' available to buy at Amazon.co.uk for a very reasonable £6.99. All the profit I were to make is donated to The Samaritans so please log on to Amazon and purchase my book!

A little bit of this...

...a little bit of that, so they say.  So after an amazing time away in London, life quickly slots back into its routine.  So, I thought I would do something a bit different for May...I have made a list of 20 things I want to do with the month.  All are very achievable and all are very beneficial to what could lay ahead. 
For example: JOB HUNTING, FINISH QUAKE 4, TRIP TO MARTIN MERE, DEDICATED GYM etc.  The one which has re-energised my writing though is: RE-START BERLIN SCRIPT.


Lou Reed's 'Berlin' album is one of the greatest, harshest, vivid, beautiful, haunting albums EVER!!  It was written in direct response to the commercial success of the album 'Transformer' which contained the hits Walk On The Wild Side, Satellite Of Love and Perfect Day, and is fuelled by that albums success and the need to create the flip side of it.  It's 2 main characters, Jim and Caroline, are tragic and sorry figures and the album takes us through their lives and the world they live in.  It is stunning in its story, its gorgeous in its music and its brave in its subject matter...an absolute classic that really needs to be heard.


Anyway, it is one of my favourites and I have always wondered what it would be like as an actual book.  First I discussed turning it into a graphic novel with a friend but that idea fizzled out so I thought, why not turn it into a script?  So I have.  I have scripted the entire album and then some because there is a point in the story where Caroline has her children taken away and I thought about their story so decided to continue the script and create a new original story focused around the children.  Roughly around half way through at this stage, I have pushed my own limits in storytelling by delving into the darkest corners of what can happen to children and the depraved actions of some adults trusted with the care of such children.


So, as a little teaser, I have attached parts of my script to Berlin and beyond:


Act Seven

Bare, let the actions tell the story

Jim finishes his attack and slumps down in the corner, his vision returning to normal.  We now focus on Caroline who gets up off the floor. We see the hotel room dissolve into a snow landscape, but with the furniture still there, all brilliant white, Caroline’s breath visible, Jim’s not.  When Caroline puts her hand through the windowpane and we see blood, it drips onto the snow and we slowly fade back into the hotel room.


Caroline
‘Why is it that you beat me, it isn’t any fun’


She slowly moves over to a dressing table, which has a mirror on it and we watch as she begins to make up her eye.


Caroline
‘You ought to learn more about yourself, think more than just I’


She stands up and walks over to Jim who is still slumped in the corner.  She then reaches into his pocket and finds the tablets of speed he took just as he retaliates and pushes her over before banging the back of his head on the wall repeatedly a few times.  Again Caroline gets up off the floor.


Caroline
‘You can hit me all you want, but I don’t love you anymore’


She bites her lip and moves over to the window.


Caroline
‘Life is meant to be more than this, and this is a bum trip’


She takes the tablet of speed munching on it and we hear whispers of voices asking ‘what is in her mind?’.  Caroline suddenly laughs and puts her hand through the windowpane.

ACT ONE

We open in a wonderful universe.  Stars, planets, explosions, comets, black holes – a wondrous scene is taking place and we are being pulled backwards through it.  We slow down, we speed up, supernovas decimate the screen, and intense fire rips through this galaxy.  We pull back and come out of a human eye and linger on it as tears stream out of it.  We slowly pull back some more and see a young girl Chloe(under 20) sat on the floor.  She is holding a razor at her wrists and staring directly at us.  We see on the wall behind her, 2 painted wings either side of her shoulders and begin to pan around the room she is in.  Everything is smashed, destroyed, books are on the floor, posters are ripped and the bed covers are on fire.  The door to this room is full of locks and padlocks and bolts – most of which have been battered and are swinging loose.  The scene is just pure chaos as we finish panning all the way around and end up back facing this young girl.  We move very slowly towards her again until all we can see is her face and shoulders – everything is silent and suddenly still.  She makes a slight move with her shoulders and a spray of blood shoots up and strikes her face.


Everything fades out apart from the spray of blood which just crawls and morphs into more streaming tears coming from Chloe but 10 years younger as she is being carried off, arms stretched out towards us and screaming ‘Mummy’ as loud as possible.  We pull back to see her mummy being held back by a man in a suit as she desperately tries to break free and get to her children as we can now see a young boy being carried off as well.  We move round to behind mummy and watch as the children are taken out of sight, we can hear the man in the suit screaming for Caroline to calm down.  Caroline continues to struggle as she focuses her anger on a man curled up in the corner screaming for Jim to do something.  The children disappear behind a slammed door which stops the entire scene entirely…before Caroline screams at the top of her voice ‘NO!!’


We are now outside as the children are put into separate vans, their little faces pressed up to the windows of the vans facing each other, tears still streaming, fists banging on the glass the 2 vans drive off and go opposite ways.

London...

...so, start of this week I was at London with Michelle for a few days.  The main reason was to see the mighty Devin Townsend Project at The Royal Albert Hall but we then decided to make a few days away and do the London rounds: Museums, London Eye, Thames cruise etc.


First off, The Devin Townsend Project was simply stunning!  A night to remember as the first set was the entire Z2 Dark Matters album played in full and turned into a show of sorts which included several big screens moving the story along, a giant ball bag with eyes running around on stage (really!), men firing merchandise from air powered bazookas, Chris Jericho popping up on screen as Captain Spectacular and Devin and the band supported by the gorgeous War Princess herself Dominique Lenore Persi playing a faultless set.  Amazing on its own but then after a 20 minute interlude, out the band come and play a "by request" set of tracks from his entire catalogue and including songs I have never heard live before (this is my 4th time seeing him), some of which blew my face off - Earth Day and The Death Of Music especially!  To say it was special is an understatement.  To say it was a unique one off doesn't even come close.  It will be something that will live with me forever and was 3 hours worth of my life which will remain an absolute highlight.


Then we come to London itself...our capital!  Impressive is a word I would use.  Busy is another word I would use. 


We went to the 2 main museums...History and British.  For me, the History museum is the better...full of dinosaur bones and displays of us and our place on this planet, it really blew me away.  We went on the London Eye which was a lot higher than I expected and I spent the majority of the 30-40 minute trip pretty much shitting myself...but the view was absolutely worth it (the skies were cloud free) as you could see for miles.  Similarly worth it was the Thames boat trip which meant we could see, and pass, all the main attractions of London.


Our Hotel was literally just outside Kensington Gardens which was stunning.  The Underground was easy and not as hellish as I had been led to believe.  The food we had was spot on...room service, eating pizza after midnight is always amazing!!  All in all, I couldn't find fault and overall, for the time we were away, we crammed in so much and enjoyed every moment of it.

Writing update...

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This heat...its hell closing in on me...

....is the title for my first proper novel.  I finished my 'two zero one four' writing project on the 31st December last year and am pleased with the outcome.  More than anything, it forced me to write every day.  Anyway, moving forward to 2015, I have given myself a whole year to write my first proper novel.  It is basically a culmination of everything I have been through with a view of finally putting a lid on it all and starting a fresh in 2016.


What I am trying to do though is push the boundaries of what a novel should be.  Using inspiration from films like Birdman and Interstelllar through to TV shows like American Horror Story and The Walking Dead to music from the likes of Devin Townsend and Aphex Twin...my intention is to create something that is visceral and real but also fantastic and out there.  So far, it is going well and I am following a natural story and feel.


Other exciting things happening is my continued success from my erotic/naughty writings - a current short story accepted by The Erotic Woman and available for your reading pleasure by the end of the month.  I have already been to 2 amazing concerts this year...Queen with Adam Lambert and Slipknot supported by Korn.  Both were bloody awesome but Slipknot just killed it...visually and sonically!  I have also finally re-joined the gym and my absolute intention is to lose weight and add some more years to my life through fitness and good eating (I am now meat free as well).  I went to see Fantasia live with an orchestra, watched Whiplash and Birdman in the cinema (both bloody awesome films), continue to be fascinated with Twitter and have just joined Goodreads.  All in all, a good start to 2015.  Anyway, I will leave you all with an excerpt from my new novel 'This heat...its hell closing in on me'.

'A lone saxophone draws me awake and eases me into the land of the living.  A soft whispering wall of background noise caresses my tired eyes allowing light to creep in.  I begin to stretch my bones and muscles and feel my heart beat to the sound of rhythm bass; steady and strong.  My breathing is calm and regular which just a very slight skip to it, accompanied by a foghorn of music that combines into one glorious chorus.

My soul is becoming bright and warm with every passing second, a rainbow of joy and complication with its own specific dance and sway; a click of the fingers, a shift of the hips.  I stand tall and stiff reaching up to the very stars that adorn my surroundings and reach for one that is engulfed by flame and pulsating with energy; is this Eden?  I jump high, I jump higher, I jump as high as I have ever done and I am off, floating towards this possibility of peace and desire. 

I drift past the lost ones, the ones who need someone to live by; the rockers and the rollers.  I see the young…no!  I see the ‘far too young to be here’ with their painful expressions and forced smiles clawing their way upwards.  I see them as they see themselves and it breaks my heart.  I see the marks on their arms and the trail of tears they leave behind.  Their soundtrack is one of string and organ, melancholy and sad but with a sharp bite that hits hard.  Whatever led them here in life begins to peel away the skin they cling onto and a new one forms; divine and beautiful.  And they sore with a purpose once missing, now reclaimed; god speed'.