Anyway, the new project will be similar to the diary part in 'this heat, it's hell closing in on me' in that I will be writing every day in entries entitled "Day..." and talking about feelings on that particular day. But it is also planned to be a journey even deeper into my own mental issues and the search for the purpose of life. Recently, I have felt that there is something just there, just out of reach that will explain this existence and give me the answers I desperately seek (don't we all) so I am hoping this new project will help. It is also something to keep me writing every day despite now being back in (virtually) full time employment.
I have also finally finished editing everything I have written for my 3rd book, the prequel/sequel to my first 2 books and even managed to continue with the story. This is the book I wanted to write after being made redundant at the start of this year which has not only matured from a children book into the beast that it is now but also been a complete nightmare to track and edit...but it is getting there. But for now, a little sneak peek at the new project:
Day - minus 2
How many steps are there in your
house? I bet you count them every time you walk up and down the stairs. You
don’t? Why not?! What the hell is wrong with you!
There are 14 steps in my house. I
know because I count them every time I walk up and down the stairs (and because
I have just checked…twice). And by the way, I am not counting the landing as a
step. There are 14 steps when I go up the stairs and 14 steps when I go down
them…simple.
How do you know something is real
until you actually touch it? I look out my bedroom window and see green fields
that stretch for miles; trees and bushes litter the landscape and the odd
tractor or car trundles down the single track road. I have walked the fields
and driven the road many times therefore at that point, they were real. But
what about when I am merely the observer?
What happens to us when we die? I
suppose it depends on beliefs and upbringings of the individual. Do we just rot
away into nothingness or does our soul (if we have one) transcend and live on?
Is the notion of “heaven” and “hell” a false notion or do they exist? Some will
argue that during our lives we experience both as a direct relation to how we
act and what we do. Surely chocolate and sex are versions of heaven whilst pain
and the loss of a loved one reflect hell?
And what about the time we have on
this planet. The norm has us working in a job we don’t like for the sole
purpose of being paid. We spend the majority of our conscious years slaving
away to maintain our material possessions whilst being treated like slabs of
meat by those above us. Even the ones who keep us safe or mend our broken bones
are not credited as they should be.
Don’t get me started on how we
treat each other, the animals we share the Earth with (yes…share) and the
planet itself. I thought humanity was meant to be the most intelligent species
on Earth, yet, it seems to be the only one to actually de-evolve over time!
broken will always
be broken
I have lost the
reflection I once had, cracked mirror all that remains.
Broken will always be
broken, glass eyes are long forgotten.
No kiss can give life,
tears dry and rock.
Dark breathe, take my
hand.
What can I do?
Where can I go?
Home…
I feel the cold…only because I am not warm. Coffee helps.
Coffee helps with a lot of things. Why is that? I drink a lot of coffee. I
listen to a lot of music. Music isn’t just one of the pleasures in life…it is
life.
Music is poetry sound tracked by living sound. I wish I
could see music. Watch its colours spiral and spin, smell its emotions chop and
change, touch its beat heart and soul. If there is a meaning to life, an answer
to why we are here then it must be hidden inside music…possibly!
I went for a walk. My body pranced about amongst the trees
and fields traversing the path nature had created whilst my mind toiled with my
worthlessness, debated the point of me actually being here and reminded myself
that no one gives a shit about me.
…my mind is fire,
a desire for
destruction
aimed inwards,
wolves tearing pieces,
a savage hanging
of fresh scars,
and broken hope.
