About Me

My photo
Self-published author with 3 books out there dealing with the darker side of life through poetry, short stories, observations and sketches. 'Love or Suicide and the Life In-between', 'this heat, it's hell closing in on me' and 'Words to be performed from under a table by the last of us'. Can't live without music (heavy metal and soundtrack's especially), film buff (sci-fi floats my boat), anime watcher (old school mainly), book reader (anything that captures my interest), gamer (PS4/Xbox-One), gym pumper and all round geek.

Saturday, 3 September 2016

Depression, suicide, death...

...insecurity, loss, confusion, isolation and anger are just of the heavy subjects my 5th project covers.

It is called 'to be performed from under a table' and is a collection of sketches, poetry, short stories, observations, arguments, discussions and general musings. It was intended to be an outlet for my emotions and thoughts as I continued to work on my 3rd and 4th project but became something altogether. It is also something I thought I had completed a few weeks ago but...

...I have now decided to add a short story at the end.

This short story will deal with a character who has committed suicide. He is then confronted by a figure who shows him the consequence of what he has done and how it affects the people around him. It will delve into a future without our main character and give the reader an idea of how important a person actually is to others they come into contact with. Of course, not everyone will be affected in a good way by our main character and I will aim to show the other side as well. I am not aiming to be preachy or bring religion into it too much...if our being does continue on after death, then I believe the place it goes and the judgement is serves is determined by our own soul.

The reason for the short story is my own mind set at this moment. A mind set I have had bubbling under the surface for years now but which has recently become more prominent and as writers, we tend to write about what we know, our experiences and our feelings. So, below are some excerpts from the completed half of this project...enjoy!


Those who


I can see from under this table

that there are those who

want to reach down and pull me out

from under this table.



Yet I can also see

that there are those who

want to bury me with their shit

brick me in under this table.



At times from what I hear

that there are those who

want to leave me alone

walk past me under this table.



A couple of moments I feel

that there are those who

spit on me

kick me as I lay under this table.



Yet in the end, from under this table I know

that there are those who

like me don’t even care

forever I am under this table.



A scratch on a record

I knew I could never go back there
An advent of darkness now before me
As dust filled words follow empty voices
Whispers of regret and faith, no more.

For to go back there would be
Harder than it is to be here
A kind reminder of a sin committed
Littered by actions of self-harm
And left with a curse of memory
Of what I gave up and extinguished.

The coolness and safety of the night
The life and uncertainty of the day
Touch, taste, smell, sight, feelings.

The building crescendo of music.

Yet fear hold dear
Ruled my excuse for existence
And condemned me governing my decision
A certain finality twisted
One more day of regret.

A scratch on a record.

 
broken always finds broken

Finding a pattern through this fragmented life,
our own fractured light becomes tortured and lost,
its shards cut deep opening up once healed scars,
and spilling out come words tangled in blood and ink.

Separated, across clouds and starlight we write,
the only illumination in the darkness cast,
our shadows tainted with a rapture of pain
harvested by wings of bone and sharpened claw.

It digs into our soul and blackens our mind,
tears apart foundations built from a supposed trust,
a failed love imprinted throughout our being
is now the hated guide we tether ourselves to.

There is no freedom and time cannot save us,
we are forever locked in silent self-torture,
the punishment decided by our inner imprint
is deemed an absolute necessity and deserved so.

Yet somehow, broken always finds broken,
keeping alight the shine buried deep within,
but the cruel irony brings with it a fresh hurt,
the melancholy loss of a love never to be.
 














Wednesday, 3 August 2016

So I have recently joined a Writers Circle...

...in Southport. So far, I have been to 7 meetings and read out my own work 4 times becoming a fully fledged member as of last week.

I had never even considered joining a Writers Circle (and didn't even know there was one in Southport) but I picked up a leaflet and thought I would give it a go. Although I was very nervous at first, I was made to feel very welcome and enjoyed listening to other people read out their work and then comment on it. Over the next few weeks I decided to read out some of my poetry and listen to the feedback from the other members jotting down their comments and thoughts. Below is an example of 2 poems I read out together with the comments from the members:

to be performed from under a table

When comfort runs dragged across bare arms in line of red and scratchy scratch,
and darkness is the colour of coffee that swirls around sticking to white teeth,
an attempt to sew shut the voices using thrash stitching and death needles,
keep you locked in coffin of slinky coldness dripping with a brilliant hatred of me,
your arms tired from pushing the ones to the edge of ceramic forgiveness,
all the while protecting and comforting the he inside of the me,
this fighting an odyssey of celluloid reverse promises grinning with lies,
guiding your carcass over trenches of worn out scars and fresh skin,
and what's left but a frightened shell shivering under a table of wood,
a splintered performance with a bow to the crowd and a pitiful applause.

The feedback I received was (from my scribbly notes): good metaphors, good technique, wobbles a bit a third of the way through, flows well, re-absorb the piece, loses its way in the middle.

Fragile

Tears fall into the infinite - slow, fragile.
Your eyes search for hope, I cannot give.
We knew time was not on our side, why?
Isn't the point of love exactly that - the point!

I brush your white skin for the last time
and hold you to my heart. You listen
wishing to capture every beat left in me.
An impossible wish in an impossible dream.

Yet you try...and you pray...and you almost succeed.
Almost.
But I slip.
And I fall into the infinite - slow, fragile.

The feedback I received was (again from scribbled notes): consistent, poignant, feeling of loss, choose a different title, get rid of the 'why' on the third line, sad.

The reason I have written about this in this months blog piece is because if you are a writer and are serious about writing, then join a Writers Circle because not only do you get some interesting feedback about your own work but you also get to hear other peoples work and comment on it. It is also a way of meeting like minded people and possibly even increasing the chances of your work reaching a wider audience...give it a go!!!
 

Saturday, 2 July 2016

It's all about my second book...

...today and getting it out there amongst all you wonderful readers.

I self published 'This heat, it's hell closing in on me' through Grosvenor and I also paid for a 2 week promotion package through them (now just about coming to an end) which involves press releases, library promotion, reading and writing groups, and, circulation around the big retailers. I am hoping this will get my book out there and garner reviews (good or bad) and sales.

It's been available on Amazon (paperback and Kindle) for close to 3 months now and although there has been some sales of it...it hasn't been the best start. Not that the whole purpose of writing a book is to get money from it. My first book 'Love or Suicide and the Life In-Between' was absolutely written for myself and in fact, any royalties I were to receive, I donate to The Samaritans. And yes, the second book 'This heat...' was again written for myself...but, I feel like it should also be an investment in which it sells and I get money for said sales. At the end of the day, we all have to pay the bills!

So, for those of you who don't know, 'This heat...' is a collection of poetry, (very) short stories and observations based around my own life from mid 2013 to the end of 2014. It is split into 2 parts: part 1 deals with identity and how are parents shape our lives whilst also looking at the subject matter of Life and Death. Part 2 is a yearly diary (2014) written using poetry, feelings and statements with both parts dealing with subjects such as depression, self-harm and counselling as well as family, work life and how we feel about our homes. It is raw, honest, uncompromising, harsh, beautiful, deep, whimsical, brutal and very personal book. It does overstep the line on many occasions with regards to its subject matter and delivery, but, it also gives a very real look into a persons mind.

So, below I have attached some pieces as little snippets for you to enjoy (or not).

 
When beauty dies



A sultry sway,

a sexy tilt.



Daring whispers

slay the night,

bring dark eyes

lord of light.



A slender neck,

curves of sex.



That innocent way.



But a broken heart.

But an abused body.

But a shattered mind.

But a battered soul.



When beauty dies,

death’s cold touch

now a warm shoulder,

helps on as such.



Is the gentleman,

is the lost love.



Death the sonnet,

death the brave,

death the guide,

death the save.



Sing



And on your last breath,

and on your final grasp,

and on your remaining beat,

and on your fixed stare...



...a distant song draws you away,

a distant sight catches your eye,

a distant reach pulls you closer,

a distant voice calls you on...



...you glance back once more,

you miss those you leave behind,

you feel their despair,

you know you will see them again...



...the light surrounds your soul,

the infinity completes your journey,

the day has only just begun,

the song only just to be sang.


 
7th November

saucerful



Menacing vibrations

eerie and dark,

creeping plinks and plonks,

their air of strain encompassing.



A drone inside my head

switches moods; swinging madness,

danger, danger…flashing pain

and a whimpering paleness lost and sharp.



Is it this way or is it that way?

the noise clasps my head with vice claws

screeching down my throat,

there is nowhere to run

from the beating,

from the drumming failure

that emanates from my whole being.



Wavering limbs crumble,

the piano lid comes down

crashing and crushing,

slice after slice after slice…



…and the carpet stains red.



But for this, a sense of peace rumbles in,

a lone chord plays out like a funeral march

as complete loneliness settles over quiet death,

(no more secrets left)

my path now set by a procession…on and on,

the world drifts away…going, going, gone,

angels morn the victory of my weakness and weep,

reaching as my soul is dragged downwards,

the glee of suicide has claimed another,

the sadness of despair has won…


  

Sunday, 5 June 2016

Pushing forward...

...with two major projects at the moment.

The first project is my 3rd book which began life as a book for children but has morphed into something more sinister and is now a prequel/sequel to my two self-published books. It has poetry, stories within stories and drawings (done by an actual child - my neighbours daughter) within and is currently pretty much a mess but I am getting there with it.

The second project will become my 4th book and is a novel (finally) which asks the question, what would happen if aliens came to our planet and decided to treat humanity the way humanity treats its animals and pets? This is a subject I feel strongly about (especially being a vegetarian) and the idea has been floating round my head for some time.

I do have another two side projects on the go: I have managed to compile and link all my erotic pieces into one long story and I am looking at doing the same with my words project; a project which looks at the idea and art of words through poetry and short stories.

Besides that, I have also finally joined a Writers Circle; the Southport one. I have been to three meetings and read out some of my poetry twice. The first poem was from my 1st self published book and is one of the most visceral, dark and disturbing poems I have written. The second poem was a bit throw away (from my 2nd self published book) and was just...nice. I do like the mix of different people there though and think I will stick to going...for now anyway.

Since my last blog piece, I have managed to read through three very different books...if you want to be a writer, you have to read! The Single Feather by Ruth Hunt (a lady I met at the Southport Writers Advice Panel) about a disabled person who joins an art club in the hope of improving and getting her life back on track. Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway...a book a neighbour borrowed me. Self help which does what all self help books do...generalise. Some good points in it though! And finally, the graphic novel Infinity Volume 1 which pits superheroes from all over against Thanos. A lot to take in but the artwork and story are both excellent!

So, onwards and upwards...below is the beginning from my 4th book...enjoy:


Home at last…



It wasn’t a gracious return and it wasn’t quiet. The landing gear digs into the ground and causes The Inferno to skid bringing it to a sudden and jolting stop.

‘Where is the landing strip?’ I mutter.

Using the ships computer, I scan the surrounding area and find nothing. I scan again and get the same result.

‘That can’t be right!’ I say to my ship and scan again…nothing.

I unbuckle myself and peer out of the cockpit window, my eyes darting from side to side squinting against the shimmering light. I should be on a concrete landing strip. There should be a tower to my left and a terminal to my right…but there isn’t anything. I power most of The Inferno down (except for the cameras recording all around the ship), suit up and lower the exit ramp. It kicks up a cloud of dust and awakens a putrid smell; a mix of excrement, must and decay. I cover my nose and slowly walk down the ramp testing the ground before committing to stepping on it and begin walking across a landscape I no longer recognise.

With each step, there is a crunch underfoot. The smell continues to flood my senses and make me balk on more than one occasion as I breathe in the stale air and begin to sweat in the torturous heat. I lean down and scoop up a handful of earth. Sifting through it, I notice shards of white that crumble away in-between my fingertips. Standing back up, I check the display on my wrist indicating the signal is only five miles north of this position, the signal which awoke me from hyper sleep after 10 years hiding on the dark side of the moon.       

                With not a single landmark in sight, I have to trust in the wrist computer and start to walk in that direction, the smell becoming more bearable with every step and my lungs adjusting to the stale air.

                ‘Hello!’ I shout, ‘is there anybody out there?!’ my throat raw, ‘can anybody hear me!’ I squeal. I wait for a reply but get none. What had happened to my beautiful blue planet? Where was everyone? What is this land I walk upon?

My legs feel heavy, a result of spending so long in hyper sleep. All my limbs had seized up during those 10 years and I had lost even the most basic functions like sight and speech…I actually thought I was dead for the first few hours after waking! Eventually, my strength returned as the pod vibrated, massaged and warmed up my arms and legs and I finally managed to climb out of the pod and listen to the message properly. It seemed to be on a loop and was very short, a few beeps and pauses, but it seemed directly aimed at me; it read ‘come home’.

And here I was, home at last, lost in this landscape of ash and sand. I stop walking and strain my ears. I can’t hear any birds. There isn’t that recognisable hum of buzzing insects or pitter patter of tiny animal feet. Pulling out my binoculars, I slowly scan the sky, then do a complete 360 on the horizon and finally spot something. It’s very small, a building maybe…I don’t know. It takes me off course and away from the signal but a spark of light coming from it could mean life. I take a sip of nutrient water from my suit and push on, new strength and purpose in my legs propelling me forward. Every 500 yards or so, I stop and look through my binoculars the closer I get…it is a structure of some sort, small but definitely man made.

Eventually, my enthusiasm gets the better of me and I run the last half mile completely out of breath and hurting when I come upon the structure. It’s a building, no more than 10 square feet in size built from brick, at speed by the looks of it, and missing its roof. The door has rotten away and inside is two glass cases, child size in length and width and shining in the suns light.

‘Shit!’ I curse realising that these were the things I saw sparkling away.

I catch my breath and step inside the building, the smell and heat overpowering me and forcing my eyes shut. Slowly I force them open and focus on the glass cases. One is completely smashed with larger bits of the white shards spilling out and mixed in with the glass. The other is intact and inside is a skeleton…a child’s skeleton. I bend down and the first thing I notice is that the feet are facing completely the wrong way, backwards in fact! Looking upwards, the fingers are all missing but the thumbs are present, several ribs have been snapped off and there is an overly large ring through the nose cavity. I cringe at the look of twisted horror on the face and a sudden rush of realisation spreads through my body as I switch my attention between both cases and then on the ground itself. I scoop up a handful of the larger white shards and step outside the building scooping up a handful of earth in my other hand and bag them up. Pulling out my binoculars, I find my ship on the horizon and begin the trek back to it; I need to run these samples through The Inferno.

With my thoughts racing, I now begin to notice debris mixed in and sticking out of the sand. Broken concrete and glass are everywhere. Sharp pieces of twisted metal protrude upwards and black slats of charred wood lay dormant and dead. But the biggest components are the white pieces. I now see the variation in size and in colour.

‘How did I miss this?’ I ask myself as the closer I get to The Inferno, the more debris I come across, ‘What the hell happened here?’

My heart sinks even more when I reach my ship and notice the front wheels are completely buried in the sand and the nose of the ship is resting on the ground. I walk up the ramp and reach the cockpit switching the power back on before slumping into my Captains chair. Lights flicker on and the surge of life floods through the ship. I tip out the contents of the bag onto a flat screen which immediately lights up and a display above me shows the scan has begun. I lean forward and rest my hands on the top of my head.

‘Where is everyone?’ I whisper to myself, ‘computer, play me the last message from NASA, loud speaker please.’

‘Yes Captain’ there is a pause.

‘This is NASA control, Captain Michael Jones, do you copy?’

‘NASA control, this is Captain Michael Jones, I copy loud and clear.’

‘Captain, we have a situation here, a grave one, you will be given priority one delta six orders, copy?’

‘NASA control, please repeat, confirm priority one delta six.’

‘Captain, we repeat and confirm, priority one delta six.’ there is another pause.

‘NASA, awaiting priority one delta six orders.’

‘Captain, you are to pilot The Inferno to the dark side of the moon, copy?’

‘Copy, pilot to dark side of the moon.’

‘Captain, upon arrival at dark side of the moon, put The Inferno in an orbit which keeps you there, copy?’

‘Copy…request you tell me what the hell is going on?’

‘Captain, there is no time to explain, you are to put yourself into hyper sleep and await our next communication, copy?’

‘NASA, I copy but why hyper sleep?’

‘Michael, listen to us, they won’t be able to detect your life signs in hyper sleep and you are our…’ static.