It's available...

...my second self-published book is finally on Amazon. Well, as I type this, the Kindle edition is on Amazon anyways...the paperback should be on in a week (or so I have been promised). Am I happy with it? Very! As with my first book, Grosvenor have done a very professional, high quality job and it is 99% set out exactly the way I wanted it. The front and back covers are high quality gloss, the paper used inside is good and it is has a solid thickness and better size overall!

The content, however, is so open and honest that it does borderline (and even sometimes go too far) on too much. I am not saying that I am unhappy with what I have written or believe it to be rubbish. On the contrary, some of my best work is in this book but it is so raw and deep that it becomes a read very much not enjoyed. It basically tells the story of how I view the influence my mother and father had on me and how I went through severe depression leading to self harm and counselling sessions. I then look at the subjects of life and death and write a diary using a poetry format. The diary section is especially brutal and uncompromising, in parts, down to the pure emotion I was feeling on that day that just came pouring out on the page.

But, it is also another piece of work I am very proud of. Another piece of work that I believe to be fairly original and very honest...a piece of work that is just another extension of who I am, what I have been through and what many other people go through.

My third book is coming along well. I have completed the first draft and am going back through it now...although I have decided to make it more adult (as opposed to the original children's book idea) and write it in first person. I am pretty much giving myself till the end of April to get the second draft done...then I really will have to look at getting a full time job! It is becoming more a prequel to my two self-published books though...us writers can't help but write about ourselves and experiences no matter how hard we try not to!! But for now, see below some pieces from my second self published book 'this heat, it's hell closing in on me'.

20^th October

all you need is six line part 20

The sickness inside gives me a little kick to let me know he’s still there,

the disturbances in my sleep pattern and waking up soaked all but confirm,

feeling down and worthless in work is a return to form for that little voice,

“I am a fat waste of piece of shit space” and I am never to forget that fact,

repeat those words with no escape and no freedom from the father inside me,

“I hope you make the same mistake” destined to haunt my existence forever.

23^rd August

I walk with the dead

Blinded by my surroundings,

I walk with the dead,

bodies lay motionless

on my journey,

round and round in circles,

I fear I am next,

I fear my time is up,

I fear…fear.

Then I am lifted higher,

taken to an escape

and set free on the wind,

let me go home,

oh please let me be,

guide me back,

guide me away,

guide…guide me.

“I do not know whatever happened

to the one I set free on the wind,

I only wish he made his way home,

I only wish I can make my back home”

10^th December

Untitled

A frail frame casts a thin shadow,

bent and weak it shuffles on

towards a dark demented crucifixion,

the path covered in broken glass.

A caged and contorted mind

screaming for freedom and redemption,

cathedral of suffering peaked through cut

after cut after cut; deaths desire.

An untitled man

in an untitled life

with an untitled future

tormented by an untitled past.

Unified in pain.

Never rid of it.

Tragic corruption.

It will never stop.

To the end of days.

Lo and behold.

Even into hell.

Deserved of me this is…

Well, it is!

What a funny February...

...that was. Just like January, February threw up some life changes and major decisions. First off, a massive decision regarding my future. Basically, I am taking 3 months out to write my 3rd book. It was a tough decision because it is very risky indeed but I have this opportunity right here, right now and I would be completely foolish if I didn't take it. The frame of mind I am in and the fact that I have never felt (mentally or physically) as good as I do at this moment was also a mayor factor in my decision. I am writing with passion, commitment and imagination - something I haven't been doing for some time. Ideas are well and truly flowing. And you know what, if it doesn't work out and I have to get a job then so be it...at least I can say I tried.

The other major decision was to self-publish my second book 'this heat, it's hell closing in on me' using some of my redundancy money. This time I am releasing it as an eBook as well as a physical book. Again, it is a deeply open and brutally honest book which deals with a very recent time of my life told through fact, poetry and short story format and again, I designed and created the front and back covers and as a whole, I am very proud of it. It should be out in a few weeks so as a little tease, I have included some poems from it:

Now

A bruised thunderous sky,

as clouds erupt with tears,

and the sweet smell of emotion,

cleanses a devastated world,

what once was a forest of colour,

is now a graveyard of stump,

what once was a monsoon of life,

is now an infinity of death.

Moonlight casts over skeletons shadows,

an eerie torment forever etched,

as even now they huddle together,

always running from this inescapable fate.

The Earth grumbles and licks its wounds,

scared forever diseased by ignorance,

a scorched land bleeds and scabs over,

it's daily cycle limps on, this trapped ghost.

Hellish lightning slices through thick air,

barren sands eat away forgotten achievements,

and the ruins of a lost way of life weep,

as an uncontrollable sadness laps broken borders.

A piercing sun breaks through black skies,

forcing even death to scramble for the shade,

as oceans begin to boil and grounds begin to crack,

the blinding rays splitting open all it touches.

This distant planet once proud and blue,

now a charcoal shell of deconstruction and loss,

begins its long creep into blind nothingness,

howling as it goes, a pinprick through dead space.

When beauty dies

A sultry sway,

a sexy tilt.

Daring whispers

slay the night,

bring dark eyes

lord of light.

A slender neck,

curves of sex.

That innocent way.

But a broken heart.

But an abused body.

But a shattered mind.

But a battered soul.

When beauty dies,

death’s cold touch

now a warm shoulder,

helps on as such.

Is the gentleman,

is the lost love.

Death the sonnet,

death the brave,

death the guide,

death the save.

1^st March

On edge

On edge,

on the lookout,

always jumpy,

waiting,

anticipating…something.

No way to live,

a paranoid prisoner,

lack of basic respect,

lurking,

dealing…something.

Late at night,

in the darkness,

forever losers,

preying,

destroying…something.

 

What a funny January...

...it has been. If you had said to me at the start of January that by the end I would be unemployed, I would have laughed in your face - yet here I am...unemployed.

Thursday 7th January, 4 days back into work after Christmas and I get summoned to the office. On my way there, I was trying to rack my brains, had I done something? was it about future plans for the business? was it a pay rise? Nope...it was something that I hadn't expected in a million years...my job was being made redundant. My face was in a state of shock, comedy and confusion. How the hell was this happening? They explained that it was due to a re-structure...wait, what? Anyway, after 5 whole minutes of no explanation (really), I was told to gather my things from my desk and go home...I was now in affect on gardening leave. I had to pull my girlfriend out of work (this was 3:30 in the afternoon) and then drive home trying to contemplate what had just happened. That afternoon, evening and night was a blur of shock, hatred, anger, confusion and worry. But by the end of the weekend, my mind was completely made up...I would take the redundancy and be done.

The following week involved a couple of meetings at work which mainly consisted of me questioning what they had done, why they had done it and how much redundancy money would I actually get. And despite the answers they gave, I am still confused on the reasons and method of them making me redundant but I made it clear that I wasn't going back ...mainly because of the way it had all been done. After all, I had been there going on 16 years and moved my way through the factory getting higher and higher within so a little more respect would have gone a long way. The one thing I did get to do though was wander through the factory and say good bye to the people I had worked with for years which was actually quite emotional...although everyone was quite shocked that I wasn't applying for the other jobs within the company and seemed surprised that I was taking the redundancy and leaving.

And so, in the blink of an eye, 16 years of hard work and committed service at Sanko Gosei was over. I was virtually never off sick, never late, never took days off work for the hell of it, was always very professional, did my job to the best of my abilities and was not an arsehole. Just goes to prove that it doesn't matter how much you do and how long you have worked at a company...you are basically just a number and payroll figure. To be honest, I wasn't happy...it was a job that paid the bills and that was that and I always said I wanted to be out by the age of 40 (which is in Feb 2017) so they actually really did me a favour. Of course, the other side of that is that I actually now don't have a job!!!

I have decided to take some time out and given myself a time line target for when I need to have a steady wage coming in and in the meantime, have stepped up my writing (considerably), kept busy around the house, upped my reading, gaming and gyming. There are possibilities already at my feet with regards to jobs if I can hang on for a few months and I have made it my goal to not end up in a job like the one I was in...something different and with a bit more meaning. All in all though, this is probably the best thing to ever happen to me...I am free of Sanko Gosei and am fully determined to make it and do something I want to do.

And so 2015...

...comes to an end. Was it a good one...or a bad one? Was it full of amazing music, film and games? Was it full of outstanding gigs and holidays? Lets find out...

First off, I think in general, I will be glad to see the back of 2015. Very up and down for me personally (mainly down to be honest) but I did lose 3 stone in weight, start volunteer work at Martin Mere and manage to stick to being a vegetarian...even over Christmas. Of course, keeping up my health status and gym work is a priority as well as finally leaving my current job in Sanko (16 years is long enough) and focusing on me and my girlfriend as opposed to those around me who don't seem to appreciate the effort or time. I would also like to re-kindle the spark with my close friends who I haven't seen enough of in 2015...difficult with marriage and kids these days though I suppose.

So, what of 2015...mini review time:
Music - an absolute gem of a year with new releases from some legendary bands such as Iron Maiden, Killing Joke, Faith No More and Fear Factory with 'Genexus' by Fear Factory being my album of the year.
Film - without a shadow of a doubt, Mad Max Fury Road was the pinnacle of not only this years films but pretty much of its ilk. Eye bleeding, nose exploding, ear shattering brilliance from start to finish. Star Wars on the other hand was a disappointment!
Games - Everybody's Gone To The Rapture shouldn't have been my pick of the year (no shooting, no running, not much interaction, no levelling up, no driving etc.) but it absolutely was! An intriguing and original story, possibly the best game soundtrack score ever, emotional and atmospheric and gorgeous graphics had me hooked to the point of obsession at times. I even completed it twice.
Books - very impressed with the many author's books I bought whom I met and followed on Twitter in 2015. Cemetery Tours by Jacqueline Smith being my favourite as well as K.R.Rowe's Amber & Blue. Favourite graphic novel of the year has to be Low.
Gigs - haven't been to many this year but the best being Devin Townsend in the Royal Albert Hall playing the entire Z2 album as well as a set of voted selections.

So, hopes for 2016:
Writing - ah yes, more writing but more finishing of my writing. I am a bugger for starting projects and losing interest half way through so this year will be to finish before I move on. My Berlin script being the first thing to finish in January. Looking forward to more reviews for Roobla and maybe some naughty stuff for Hot Chilli Erotica as well.
Work - as I have mentioned above, it really is time for me to move on from Sanko. I literally go through the motions with no sense of achievement, pride or appreciation meaning the one single reason for me being there is simply money.
Health - 3 stone in a year...that's pretty good! But I can do better...so I will in 2016. Not that I ever looked 16 and a half stone at the start of 2015 (although I certainly look and feel 3 stone lighter at the end of 2015). More gym work and better eating.
And the rest - more METAL, Suicide Squad and Batman Vs Superman kicking ass, Final Fantasy VII remake actually being good, and, more vinyl...a lot more vinyl...a shit load more vinyl!!

Its 2016...lets make this a year to remember for all the right reasons!!!